This girl is more easily done than said...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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