I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
