i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
