i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
