you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
