No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
