mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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