he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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