You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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