I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
they're like a gay fantastic four
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
