SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
