Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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