last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
