you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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