I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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