Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
