i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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