I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
