I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
