Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
