My liver just broke up with me...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
