remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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