Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
