Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
