How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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