I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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