I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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