two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
These tits shall not be calmed
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