and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
