yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
