you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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