soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
