my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
