she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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