Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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