I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I believe in your delicious
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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