you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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