Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
