I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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