someone threw a dead crab at me
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
