Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
