so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
