6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
