Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
