yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
