There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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