my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
