You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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