Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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