No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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