well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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