Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
