Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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