He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Drake has all the answers
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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