i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
