Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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