and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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